So now

Ok, my father is dead. Everything changes. I'm surprised I'm taking this so calmly. I only cry once a day and it's mostly just crying with only occasional uncontrollable sobbing. I was much worse when Mum died (and the 10 years after). Maybe it's because we knew all year, ever since the Lymph cancer announcement. Perhaps he shouldn't have tried to fight it then, because his life this year wasn't a great deal of fun.

He had radiation therapy. He started to lose his mind and got so sick that he forgot to eat and didn't care. The doctor said he was going senile, so we got him to agree to move to a ‘retirement village’. They took him off the radiation therapy and hey presto, he was less senile. (But, of course, the radioactive substances he was ingesting wouldn't have affected his mind, or his hearing.... Doctors say a lot of strange things in these days of litigation that you have to wonder about.) We asked about the cancer and the doctor said it was in remission. That was the last mention of the cancer until he’s dying and they say it’s because the cancer has reached his brain.

So, was he going senile or was there cancer in his brain? I thought senility was age-related? If we had known the cancer was progressing we would have behaved somewhat differently, planned differently, but I guess that’s water under the bridge. I just don’t get doctors. All of the doctors who treated my father seemed to want to avoid talking to us. They never rang us, even though we asked to be kept up to date – they had to be chased and information had to be drawn out slowly and painfully.