What was it John Lennon said about Life?

I can't remember what John Lennon said about Life.... The Internet is my memory; is my brain.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

Whatever happened to my other plans? Yet I still think this bit isn't my life....

I seem to have grown to think I’m not a real person and I take care to stay away from real people in case I get found out. Real People are fascinating and scary (and sometimes dull) - efficient and certain. They are in their Life and they know it. They are sure about their career-path and do all the things society expects. I’m certainly not a real graphic designer or a real worker. Am I a real homeowner? I certainly suffer some of the same problems.

Being not real isn’t too far removed from real – it’s more about the way you feel. About the way you fit into a group or into society (or want to fit in). Or, pertinently, the way you don’t fit (or don't want to fit in).

I've removed myself from my old life where the people were interesting-bordering-on-insane, but I have replaced it with boredom. Hope there is a middle path and that it is 'real' and is my life.

so don't even want to talk about it

Telling your sister that her ex-husband used to do 'bad things' to you when you were a child is not the best thing to do. I don't recommend it and it will all end in tears and hate. So much for getting all the yucky stuff out in the family arena. And how complicated it does make the 'Father by committee' thing.

And it creates this space in your head where you are doing nothing but calling yourself names and the word 'stupid' is written on the wall in graffitti in this room. Make a great art installation I'm sure.

seriously now

I think there should be a 'Depressed Peoples Revolution'(DPR). It just makes sense to have a world where you are put to death for trying to make someone smile when they don't feel like it.

No time like the present for jumping off a bridge

Oh, but the Israelies have blown all your bridges up? Depressed people of the world rise up - they can't treat our suicidal sisters and brothers this way!

ok so I'm depressed and self-involved

Wake up and see the real world you say? Have you looked at that recently? That's why I'm depressed.

Father by committee

Ok, it's incredibly difficult. You think you are on top of it, but it's not possible.

• There's the putting your parent into a nursing home and his off-again on-again illnesses and dementia. The decisions about his health and care and what to do if he gets worse.
• There's the hoard to be cleaned up, sorted and dispersed to everyone's satisfaction. We are only just beginning and there are already issues.... some to do with decisions that were made before my father became less than competent.
• There are the old grudges and current lack of trust and respect between siblings.
• There's the emotional upheaval of having to say goodbye to childhood - and the good and bad memories that stirs up.
• There's financial worry and responsibility - which is all on one person (not me thankfully).
• There's prioritising with two or more other people involved....

I guess we will all appear to be vultures no matter what we do. 'Things' are big in my family and my father impressed upon us the importance of his things to him and that he wanted to pass them on. So we are doing what he wanted and something has to be sorted out sooner rather than later, but it's still squabbling over an inheritance before he's even gone.

Did I mention 'to everyone's satisfaction'?

I'm trying to be real, really I am....

Every time I try to be a growned-up, Real Graphic Designer I seem to end in the same morass.

Perhaps it is fate telling me it's better to be poor and do some art? I am not cut out for the Real World. It never seems to mesh with me.

It's usually this time of year that I take on extra graphic design work, other than my three-day a week job. It doesn't come in on time, so I accept more design work from another source. I never want to do it, but think I need the money, and I somehow feel obliged (by my inner adult?). Waiting. Something I abhorr. The design jobs never come in on time so I feel chained to the computer; I feel like I am working, yet am doing nothing to earn money.

Then everything comes in at once and all things social begin to happen (with the drinking and staying up later than normal), and family commitments occur (with the stressed-out feeling that only your family can give you and they don't even have to try)....

Also, it is this time of year when sitting at the computer means your hands and feet are freezing. It's inevitable that the stress and cold combined lead to some sort of illness.

By the end I blame it all on the work and say 'never again', but by May next year I will have forgotten and do it all again. Just shoot me now.