Sisyphus and I

Ancient rocks by Neil Degney

My partner and I decluttered for about 15 minutes. He got increasingly annoyed as the minutes went on and very sarcastic. Kind of things he was saying:

"Where are you going to put that? There is nowhere." (that last sentence on constant repeat)

"I will sort this out - eventually." (very slow and very angry nasty voice)

"Do I have to do this RIGHT now?"

"I suppose you expect me to move those things too."

This is decluttering things that he had told me he was throwing out, but I said let me try and sell them first. I tried for six months with no interest, so I said OK now you can get rid of them. We talked about this for three weeks or so, with him saying, yes we must do that. Ok, yes they can go...

During the time they had sat, things were piled on top of them and several boxes of unknown things were below them.

Because there is no where to put something you shouldn’t try. You shouldn’t make an effort to find somewhere or get rid of the things in the middle of a pile that you know you want to get rid of because other things are resting on them (as the pile just keeps getting higher with breakables in the middle too).

We rearranged. I found a place to put the breakable light fitting that had been the middle top bit of the pile. We moved things over making room to move in the small room. He decided to store a large backpack in front of the full length mirror. I said that it couldn’t stay there. He said there was no where else. We worked out what was in the boxes (one half-empty) and he grudgingly decided he could put the things from the half-empty box somewhere else. But not today.

It’s an uphill battle. Add in the world’s most spoilt cat trying to be involved by being underfoot and scratching people’s legs because they should be paying attention to him and it could almost be funny. Or not.

Decision making super powers please!

I'm so methodical, that if only I had a better decision capability I'd be on top of this house organisation thing. My house has improved. Or at least not gone backwards with the influx of things from my partner's parents house. I get rid of things almost every week. Yes, I do regret some of them, but I can live with regret. It's not nearly as bad as the negative emotions from having too much stuff....

I've never thought of myself as the glass half-full kind but...

Sometimes people just need to complain. I get that. I complain more than I probably should, but I consider it part of my national identity as an Australian. Besides, people who never say what they think must explode sometime, don't you think?

Anyway - my possible failings aside, I'm here to complain about other people complaining. Things are bad, so you join a group on Facebook to get sympathy and help. Or why do you join? It seems some people just join to tell you how bad things are with them and never offer ideas or help. They take anything you say aggressively, even though you are just trying to offer help or hope or solidarity. But their situation is so bad and nothing you say will help. Their situation is worse than yours or anyone elses and no one has ever had anything remotely like it happen to them. In the group that is about that stuff.

It's not that I don't want them to explain what's happening with them. And I fully believe you should be allowed to be unhappy, express depression and all those bad emotions. I just think you also need to be aware that other people are going through things too and that a group is about helping each other, not just the all important 'you'. You can't show your unhappy, woe is me face every second or you risk doing the opposite for everyone else. Equally you can't show your totally perky side, but help groups should definitely not be a competition of who has it the worst.

I also find that when I suck it up and just try say things that might help rather than constantly complain about my own problems, that I find myself listening to my own advice and things get better.

And the glass? The glass is full - it has air and water. Does that have anything to do with who I am and how I relate to the world?

My things now and forever

Under Dad's house after we had cleaned up some....

I remember every single thing of mine anyone else has ever thrown out no matter how small - even if I do understand why they did it now.

Looking back, I can understand how my father must have felt when I tried to clean up at his house. I used to try and throw things out that he wouldn't miss or that were a fire hazard and we would have arguments. I eventually did some reading and I got a better understanding of what he was going through (and realised I was collecting things too - it just wasn't piles of newspapers). I didn't understand how much it hurt him for me to throw out his old newspapers and boxes, until I read about hoarding.

People with hoarding tendencies are emotionally attached to their stuff - like it's their children or their memories. They need to make the decision themselves to get rid of it and that in turn helps to change the way they think.

I was always confused by my father being such a logical man and yet unable to throw out things that I saw no value in, but also paradoxically confused years before by my mother not understanding that I had to keep all MY stuff throughout my childhood. After her death and after I had moved out, Dad kept everything in my room as it was and even added things he thought I would like. Later he started storing other things in there and I had to stand my ground and make it my space since I came to stay once a year. My sister's bedroom was covered in car parts.

These days I'm trying to be a bit more like my mother.

As many tea pots as you can cram in...

Doesn't everyone like teapots? They are pretty and they sit really well together on a shelf. There is nothing wrong with collecting lots of tea pots - as long as you actually have the space to display them.

I was keeping tea pots I didn't really like or use. I have six now and five of them I actively use. The other one could be used too - it's not too precious, but it is a nice vintage one and it's the one that is a bit more decorative (and would cost a bit to replace). I've gotten rid of most of the small ones (well some of them are in the 'for sale' pile). People seem to like to give those as presents, but does anyone have just one cup of tea? Anyway, a big pot can be used to make a small pot of tea.

I'm on top of the tea pots - tea cups are a different story.

Not every hoader is the same

I get a bit annoyed about the way hoarding and hoarders are portrayed in the media. People are ashamed to say they have hoarding tendencies because the immediate image people have is filthy chaos, which isn't all hoarders at all. That is the extreme end of hoarding. Maybe that is where you end up when you are isolated and feeling ashamed is the beginning of that isolation.

Hoarders are interesting people

After having belonged to a hoarding group for a while, I think you can put hoarders into two groups - those that are overly creative and sensitive and those that have lives that are messed up in every way and their hoarding is just part of the complete and utter chaos.

The second group might be creative and sensitive too of course, but it's hard to tell. Maybe they are just less organised hoarders? I'm not saying the mess is their fault. They probably haven't made good choices, but sometimes that ability is taken away from you by stress or circumstance. Sometimes the only choices are bad choices. Once you get yourself in a hole, it is almost impossible to get out by yourself and if you have no social support then you don't get out.

The second group also seem more caught up in themselves. They don't seem to have much empathy or interest in other people's problems or successes and just want to talk about how awful their lives are. Many seem to have mental health issues too. 

The worry for me is that one group could just be the logical extension of the other.... Which just makes me want to quote Sherlock Holmes, but since I'm unlikely to be in the 'grace of God' I'd better just help myself not go from creative hoarder to 'life in chaos hoarder'.

Anyway, any time I doubt the choices I've made in life, I can think about these other people and know it can be worse. I could have done worse.

On the subject of hoarding....

For ten years we've been throwing things out... and buying more things, but mostly throwing things out. There has been some headway, but on the whole the other things just seem to expand and no extra space seems to get made. We have one room that is particularly bad and under the house is bad too. Goat track material, but not too horrible in that it's 'stuff' not 'rubbish', although some would disagree. I've gotten a bit more serious about it in the last year or so, joining online help groups and trying to change the way I do things, the way I think. This is my Pinterest Board on the subject -- http://pinterest.com/rosz_craig/hoarding/